Travel trend bingo at Bikini Mountain Hotel Port de Sóller

It is 27 degrees and I am doing my level best to concentrate on the task in hand, namely posing for a boomerang video in a bikini customised with red fringing and my future husband’s name scrawled on the bottom, while acutely conscious that designer Matthew Williamson is sitting about 15 metres away, attempting to enjoy his lunch.

My outfit (or lack of) is appropriate given the location, Mallorca’s Bikini Island & Mountain Hotel, the customisation perhaps less so. I might be attending the chicest, least tacky hen do ever organised (the bikini is as badly behaved as it gets), but no one here is doing anything as remotely uncool as filming their friends on their iPhones.

I have stayed in many lovely hotels in my time and I run a trend forecasting company. Even I don’t think I’ve bedded down anywhere quite so painfully on-trend as this little find.

Crocheted hanging baskets and rattan furniture abounds; the main restaurant serves Balagan-style Israeli fare; the pool bar – name: Pikkini – has a vast sangria menu; yoga and HIIT classes take place on the hotel’s roof-top; complimentary bikes are provided alongside a ride menu that includes sejours called variously ‘Olive Oil, Ice Cream & Pan Amb Oli’ and ‘Coastal Ride, Chopin & Potato Cake’; the first-of-its-kind organic spa uses aloe vera oil cultivated in Andalusia; the huge swimming pool, set against the backdrop of Port de Sóller, is painted with a floral ban the bomb sign making everyone’s photos from the top-floor restaurant Instagram ready with nary a filter needed. I could go on.

In fact, the only aspect that isn’t quite of-the-moment is the waiting staff’s bewildered faces each time we ask for vegan versions of the lunch menu. No one goes hungry, but it is made particularly clear that we are causing the kitchen problems and at one point it’s suggested that they’re too busy to even so much as remove the cheese from a watermelon salad. I’m not sure if angry waitresses who bang your place down and storm off are fashionable or not – they are certainly memorable.

Bikini Island is a place to linger. A planned trip to a nearby beach is canned in favour of more poolside lounging and the food (and the cocktails) are varied enough to keep you interested through a good few meals – vegan requirements not withstanding.

And besides, we need at least two days just to photograph all the hotel’s best angles (and boomerang our own).